Chinky

08/18/06

"China Part 10-11"

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Day 10-11

I forgot... FUCK. I fuckin’ for... fuck. I fuck fuck fuck forgot my funkin’ chinky hat at the hotel. Fuck, shit, ass, bitch, cunt shobededoobop.

Once again my utterly horrible memory comes into play and makes my life just a little more profane. Not profound, I meant to say profane. I really wanted to blame my dad for this. I had put my hat right next to my laptop knowing that I would never forgot two of the most important things to bring back home from China. You see, he had taken the laptop to show his old friends pictures from previous vacations so when I scanned the room for stuff to bring downstairs all I saw was my digital camera and that’s it. It’s a chinky hat for christ’s sake, is in a chinky room; it’s fucking camouflaged! I really couldn’t blame my father though. It’s not his fault that I’m a forgetful idiot. I’d have a better chance of blaming him for giving me his forgetful genes but that’s not something I put much stock in.

So there I am, in the airport with no chinky hat and no hopes of getting one in time to make the flight. I scoured the airport for people selling them and I got weird looks. I think it’s because hat in Chinese is the same word as condom, and seeing a panicking man running around looking for a "hat" tends to draw looks. On yea, I’m freakishly large too, that doesn’t hurt. I even try to pay someone money from the hotel to go and get my hat and bring it to me. I was willing to pay 200 rmb! That’s $25 and a fortune in China. People get killed for less there. But alas they wouldn’t have made it either. I’m kicking myself the entire trip home.

The flight back was slightly better than the flight to. This time I sat up front facing the wall. This gives me far more leg room than before and my knees are not jackknifed into the seat in front of me. The seat however is not as wide as the other seats and I get two Charlie horses in both my legs. This isn’t as bad though because this was a pain I could sleep through and I spent 2 hours of the 15 hour flight sleeping. None of it in the bathroom either. YAY.

The worst pain however can from behind me as one of the brat pack, "Yap Yap," had the seat behind me. Indeed she was going to annoy me to the bitter end of the trip. Luckily I have my own annoying habit of spending most of these flights walking around the plane instead of sitting in my seat so Yap Yap didn’t get to annoy me probably as much as she might have wanted to.

Half the plane was filled with elitist pricks both American and Chinese. Both of them looked down upon everyone in the non business and first class seats. Even the fuckers that weren’t sitting in those seats and were sitting with us looked down upon the group. One of them sat three seats away and was a business partner to the guy I was sitting next to. The guy that sat next to me was cool enough. He was a big guy and it sucks to have two big guys in a plane next to each other but he made the trip a little better. He was interesting. His partner though is the type of person that made me wish the plane would go down, crash and the world would be rid of him and half the pricks on this flight. My only regret would have been that my family had to go too and I’d have to die next to these fuckers.

As you can probably tell I was still pretty sore about losing my hat. Kind of horrifying when you think losing a hat really makes me lose appreciation for human life that quickly doesn’t it? Don’t worry, I never really much cared for the lives of pseudo rich elitist pricks to begin with.

Epilogue

I have been back for 2 or 3 days now and I keep making people wretch with stories from China. It may not seem like it but I’m actually glad I went on this trip. I’ll never want to go again unless it’s to show my kids how good they have it but I mostly complain about it so much because the bad things are far more interesting than the good things. You can see the good things when I put up the vacation pictures when I get done going thru them. I have really missed America and even though I complain about it a lot it’s mostly because I wish for it to be better. I love this country.

Since I’ve been back I got to spend some time with my aunt of whom I never get to see enough. I got my steak and really really pulpy OJ which makes my tummy happy. I got to spend some time with friends from back home and once again stare at big butts which makes my soul happy. And I’m back in a land where racial slurs mean something and people understand which makes my mind happy.

It was a good trip, I’m glad I went, I’m even happier that I’m back and now it’s back to being busy as sin again. At least I get to sleep in my own bed and not have to sit on airplanes anymore...